Reflections on Q1 of student teaching

[This was a "learning log" from my first student teaching; "TJ" = my cooperating teacher.]

As my classes draw to a close, I feel that I've learned a lot, mostly about how much I have to learn. I'm not entirely pleased with how everything went, but I have some ideas for next quarter that I hope will help make things go better.

1) Plan ahead! - and stick to the plan

Of course, many problems can be avoided by having a more complete plan for how the class will go.

For example, thinking through every question ahead of time can help me come up with better questions, ones that don't have "right/wrong" answers, and that don't invite students into territory that they might not be equipped to navigate.

Having good plans also will free me to be more "present" in the class, listening to students with empathy and awareness instead of having half a mind consumed with what I'm going to do next and how to do it. This is a really huge important point--I think everyone will get more out of the class if I can be less worried and more "present" while interacting with students.

Looking back, I feel that both classes would have gone better if I had stuck to the plan I laid out before they started. Instead, I second-guessed myself the moment anything didn't go exactly as planned, and tossed out what I had planned--over and over. So I was always "winging it." Even when I'd write out a plan for the next three days, I'd end up changing it after the first day.

This leaves me looking back with a lot of loose ends--a lot of topics where I told students, "We'll come back to that later," or where I thought to myself, "It's ok if they don't get that completely, we'll touch on it again when we do x," but we never did... so there are a lot of things they have half-formed ideas about.

Meanwhile, my original plan was good!

Looking back, there were actually very good reasons for doing what I had planned to do. Some of the things that went wrong (especially in the Power class) might have been ameliorated if I had stuck to the plan... (of course, many things would still have gone wrong because this is my first time, but....)

So instead of panicking, next time, I will try to stick to the plan and just see what happens--not mindlessly so, but within reason. It's not going to go perfectly anyway. I will look at it as a series of experiments. When things start to go wrong, instead of getting lost in fear of making a mistake and an attempt to save myself from the mistake, I will just follow the lesson plan and observe what happens. At the very least, I'll wind up with a more coherent series of mistakes!

2) Talk less

No more than three sentences in a row!

This is simpler than goal #1--but "talking less" requires goal #1 to be implemented!

Final projects in both classes have shown me that everything I just "told" students seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. I might as well have been speaking German.

There are several reasons for this--one, many people have trouble taking in information when it's only heard; two, when I am not "present" and "aware," and when I have not planned adequately what I will say, I tend to ramble and babble; three, I literally "speak a different language" from the language common among the students--i.e. I think and speak in academic terms, with big words and abstract concepts all over the place.

Communication is a serious issue for me--issuing directions is a huge challenge. I had to abandon a final project in one of the classes because I was literally unable to convey to the students what I wanted them to do!

And, lecturing is a skill that takes time to develop, and I don't have it yet. Lecturing off-the-cuff is practically impossible and there's no reason to try to do it when I can (a) plan ahead and (b) plan lessons that don't involve lecturing.

So that's the goal. Plan lessons that revolve around students' taking in information in other ways, and performing other activities besides just listening or responding to material that is given to them. This will make for more interesting classes, and will challenge me to be creative and really think through what I'm doing.

3) Let go

Don't try to make everything perfect all the time--don't try to make everything turn out the way I expect or want.

This is manipulative and a mis-direction of energy--it results in lots of fear and panic, "oh no!!! it's not happening just the way I want it to! What now??? Must fix!!!" This kind of insanity is what results in the problems discussed in #1. It also makes me talk too much, as in #2.

I was reading a book that talked about babies learning to walk. Each time they try they fall down, and it looks like a complete failure. But they just try again and somehow, through a process that they certainly aren't thinking about in any analytical terms, they just get better at it and learn how to do it.

If I can look at it like that, hopefully it will be calmer and a better learning environment for me and for the students too. Just try things, and observe the results. It's never going to be perfect--it might not even be good, since this is my first time. The best I can do is try things and observe with full attention and awareness. If I'm not panicking, I have more energy to listen to the students attentively and thoughtfully; if I'm not trying to control them all the time, I have a better chance of communicating and teaching. The best I can do is give students that kind of respect and acceptance, and myself too.

4) Spend time considering specifically how to develop students' thinking skills.

This was the biggest shock and disappointment to me in the "Power" class, where they just didn't seem to have the intellectual tools to compare one theory to another, or to analyze a problem and reach a conclusion in an orderly fashion. When we came to the final projects, it seemed like they just didn't understand a single thing that I had taught them all semester.

I can think of a lot of reasons for this, including the mistakes in #1, but one is that I didn't do anything to help them develop habits of rigorous inquiry and thought. I picked up a great book last week called "Teaching Thinking;" I'm loving it and hope I can apply some of its ideas this quarter. I remember the class that taught me these kinds of skills as one of the most important in my life. Maybe I can start to learn how to make that kind of difference to students.

discussing racism with students (student teaching learning log)

[This was a "learning log" from my first student teaching; "TJ" = my cooperating teacher.]

10/17
Ongoing mutiny in my "Power" class. The students complain that I don't let them finish their ideas, that I seem too eager to force my opinions on them, that I squash discussion. I know I've been doing this ever since we first started to discuss racism.

I thought I had laid a careful groundwork of understanding about intelligence--that it is complex and not a known quantity, that tests of intelligence are fraught with bias and assumptions, that much injustice has been done in the name of intelligence.

But, as soon as I got to Eugenics, the skepticism of intelligence and intelligence tests that I thought I had created, did not hold up. Students were arguing that "Asians are smarter than white people," even though they did not dare say the corollary assumptions about races that are "dumber" than white people. I panicked and ever since then I have felt more like I'm indoctrinating than encouraging discussion.

But, we are talking about racism and I'm not sure how to discuss racism without trying to push my viewpoint. Especially in view of what happened with Danielle--that occurred on a day when I was trying to listen to "all points of view" without judgment.

Students seem uncomfortable with the topic of racism (they fidget, change the subject, get sullen, get distracted) and their labeling of viewpoints as "racist" seems random at times. For example, while reading Lisa Delpit on language and literacy, one (white) student told me she was offended that Delpit commented about how "some Black students speak;" the student pointed out that some white students speak that way too. On being pressed, she couldn't explain how this was relevant or changed Delpit's thesis, but she insisted that she was offended.

A more significant example occurred when two-thirds of the students attacked me for even writing Madison's disparity in graduation statistics on the board--they said it "didn't matter" and that we "shouldn't talk about that." I took a whole day to ask them, "what do you mean, it 'doesn't matter'?" We talked about "what is racism," "should it be talked about," "does it matter." It seemed like they arrived at some kind of collective conclusion, but then they don't seem to remember that conclusion or apply it to other discussions. References to it just bring blank stares.

I feel somewhat trapped by my subject: I insist on continuing to discuss racism, rather than cut & run because it's difficult and uncomfortable, and yet, as we discuss it, I cannot feel that I should just let "all viewpoints be heard."

The result is that I am stressed and focused on trying to get them to see things my way--it feels all wrong. They are less and less engaged in the lessons, and more and more sullen. They seem more likely to seek to give the "right" answer, rather than their opinion. And, I seem to be asking more questions with "right" answers rather than facilitating a stimulating and open-ended discussion.

For next quarter, I will not try to teach classes that have a particular agenda. Both classes this quarter could have been 30-page papers with a thesis statement and supporting paragraphs--in other words, I had something to prove to the students and I set out to do it. This put me in the difficult position described above. Instead, I will look at questions that I'm more comfortable having be open-ended. I won't avoid racism, but I may avoid questions that have possible racist answers (like, "Why is there an achievement gap between white children and children of color?"). At least, that seems like a reasonable strategy.

My partner R also suggested that I try to do topics where I don't have to decide "what should I teach next week?" -- where I can focus on developing teaching skills, rather than on digging up and presenting content.

She's right--I feel that I've spent too much time working hard to create the intellectual progression that will supposedly create new understandings, and not enough time practicing the basic craft and skills of teaching--different lesson plans, different activities, different approaches.

In considering possible courses I am trying for things that either have their own clear progression built in (events over time) or that are more open-ended (chew on a single question from multiple perspectives in no particular order). This would also allow me to focus on helping students develop their skills.

working out conflict with students (student teaching learning log)

[This was a "learning log" from my first student teaching; "TJ" = my cooperating teacher. I was supposed to send them in regularly, but this one--due Oct 3--was turned in later, reconstructed from notes, which is why it says "around this time," meaning, "back around Oct. 3, here's what was going on.]

Around this time I was extremely stressed out for about a week. I felt that I was doing everything wrong, that I was a horrible teacher and a horrible person--in large part because it was suddenly clear that there were very few weeks left in the quarter, and I did not feel that I had accomplished my goals in either of my classes.

Several incidents with students occurred around this time, which were probably both a result and a cause of my stress level. An African-American student in one of my classes (call her Danielle) told me she felt I was mocking slavery and making stereotypes about African-Americans. I knew that this had been a misunderstanding, but the sheer randomness of it made me feel that there's nothing I can do--I'm a bad communicator and students will never understand anything I say to them. Separately, another (white) student, Elisa, felt that I had put her down, and ran out of the room sobbing; in this case, I had indeed been frustrated with her. Still another student (Kayla) became very angry and lashed out at me, and I lost my temper in response--I handled it by leaving the room (it was during the "study skills" class where students are mostly self-directed) and asking TJ to intervene.

TJ taught me a lot in how she handled all these situations with students. In each case, we sat down with the student in question and first listened to her. TJ asked questions to draw the students out and tried to get a sense of how the student was feeling about life in general. Then, she asked the student to talk about the incident that had upset her, "using 'I' messages." Finally, only after these processes were complete (taking five to fifteen minutes per student) did she ask me to respond. By this time, in cases where I had been angry, defensive, upset or otherwise emotionally off-balance, the student's heartfelt words, uninterrupted for several minutes, had helped remind me that this person was fragile and unhappy and that I was responsible for trying to provide her with a stable, supportive, consistent environment. Any personal, egocentric responses I had had melted away and it was easy to be calm, professional, and compassionate, and to reach a satisfactory resolution.

For example, we found that a relative of Danielle's was hospitalized in a coma from a stroke; that outside of school, Danielle was the full-time caregiver for the patient's infant daughter (and designated adoptive parent should the patient fail to recover); AND that Danielle was going in for tests because it was suspected that she suffered from the same medical condition that had caused her godmother's stroke! By the time Danielle had finished explaining all this, and had then talked about how upsetting some of the class discussions about racism had been to her, her anger toward me seemed to have already dissipated: she had started out refusing to look at me, but before we even moved on to discuss the specific "incidents" in question, she had pulled a picture of the baby out of her purse to show me. The specific "who said what, and what did it mean" seemed almost an afterthought. I could see how, if we had jumped straight to that, it would have been very difficult for Danielle to hear me at all, what with everything else that filled her mind and heart that day. Instead, we ended up strategizing how to talk about racism in class without having any students make comments that were painful for other students to hear. Making Danielle a part of planning the class seemed to help her know what was the intended *point* of discussions about racism, whereas previously she had felt unsure of what my beliefs were and where I was trying to go with the discussion. She still didn't enjoy or participate in the discussions, but her comfort level seemed to go up somewhat. I think I can improve on this further and will be keeping it an open question in my mind.

working out conflict with students (student teaching learning log)

[this was a "learning log" from my first student teaching. I was supposed to send them in regularly, but this one--due Oct 3--was turned in later, reconstructed from notes, which is why it says "around this time," meaning, "back around Oct. 3, here's what was going on]

Around this time I was extremely stressed out for about a week. I felt that I was doing everything wrong, that I was a horrible teacher and a horrible person--in large part because it was suddenly clear that there were very few weeks left in the quarter, and I did not feel that I had accomplished my goals in either of my classes.

Several incidents with students occurred around this time, which were probably both a result and a cause of my stress level. An African-American student in one of my classes (call her Danielle) told me she felt I was mocking slavery and making stereotypes about African-Americans. I knew that this had been a misunderstanding, but the sheer randomness of it made me feel that there's nothing I can do--I'm a bad communicator and students will never understand anything I say to them. Separately, another (white) student, Elisa, felt that I had put her down, and ran out of the room sobbing; in this case, I had indeed been frustrated with her. Still another student (Kayla) became very angry and lashed out at me, and I lost my temper in response--I handled it by leaving the room (it was during the "study skills" class where students are mostly self-directed) and asking TJ to intervene.

TJ taught me a lot in how she handled all these situations with students. In each case, we sat down with the student in question and first listened to her. TJ asked questions to draw the students out and tried to get a sense of how the student was feeling about life in general. Then, she asked the student to talk about the incident that had upset her, "using 'I' messages." Finally, only after these processes were complete (taking five to fifteen minutes per student) did she ask me to respond. By this time, in cases where I had been angry, defensive, upset or otherwise emotionally off-balance, the student's heartfelt words, uninterrupted for several minutes, had helped remind me that this person was fragile and unhappy and that I was responsible for trying to provide her with a stable, supportive, consistent environment. Any personal, egocentric responses I had had melted away and it was easy to be calm, professional, and compassionate, and to reach a satisfactory resolution.

For example, we found that a relative of Danielle's was hospitalized in a coma from a stroke; that outside of school, Danielle was the full-time caregiver for the patient's infant daughter (and designated adoptive parent should the patient fail to recover); AND that Danielle was going in for tests because it was suspected that she suffered from the same medical condition that had caused her godmother's stroke! By the time Danielle had finished explaining all this, and had then talked about how upsetting some of the class discussions about racism had been to her, her anger toward me seemed to have already dissipated: she had started out refusing to look at me, but before we even moved on to discuss the specific "incidents" in question, she had pulled a picture of the baby out of her purse to show me. The specific "who said what, and what did it mean" seemed almost an afterthought. I could see how, if we had jumped straight to that, it would have been very difficult for Danielle to hear me at all, what with everything else that filled her mind and heart that day. Instead, we ended up strategizing how to talk about racism in class without having any students make comments that were painful for other students to hear. Making Danielle a part of planning the class seemed to help her know what was the intended *point* of discussions about racism, whereas previously she had felt unsure of what my beliefs were and where I was trying to go with the discussion. She still didn't enjoy or participate in the discussions, but her comfort level seemed to go up somewhat. I think I can improve on this further and will be keeping it an open question in my mind.