why is there a glue stick in my bathrobe pocket?

thursday i found a melted mini-snickers in another pocket at 10pm... vestige of an aborted math-time bribe... "i'll give chocolate to whoever can - guys - sit down - guys! hey! break it up!" *sigh*

classroom management improved after christmas - at first i thought it was my wonderful new techniques - but soon realized it was just the 10-day suspension of one of my worst. interesting to see how his absence calmed the whole class. then i had to be out for a week because my father died, and everything i'd worked on went to hell. now i'm too tired to deal - again. i scream at them hopelessly, try to do damage control, and wearily pick up the pieces when they're gone.

friday was really a banner day. the entire special ed department went to a wedding in aruba, but no subs were hired. i was angry about this, so then i was accused of not wanting to deal with my special ed students - even of being afraid of one of them.

what a joke. i've already been hit three times because i'm *not* afraid to wade into a fight or restrain a child when necessary. it doesn't bother me. these are 10-year-olds - this student i was accused of fearing punched me in the face last tuesday and didn't even leave a sore spot, never mind a bruise - what is there to fear? yes, i know they could break my nose if they hit me just right, but i've had a broken nose before. it heals.

no, i'm not afraid of him, i just want him to get his services - i want him to get what he needs. the special ed department is ridiculously under-staffed and under-emphasized - because those students' test scores are not expected to get to grade level no matter what, so who cares?

meanwhile, i've been working my ass off all week to remedy some problems they told me about two weeks ago, and gave me two weeks to fix (they told me all this the same day i got some terrible family news, so that was fun). i've been working 14-hour days, then coming home and working some more, getting four hours of sleep.... but there is definite improvement. i'm proud of myself.

foolishly, i thought maybe some of these improvements might be acknowledged. instead i got chewed out on thursday AND friday by different people for different reasons.

did i mention that yesterday they told me not to call parents? ever?? and the parent who called the principal and got me this ass-chewing called me twice to apologize ("the principal made it sound like i was saying you don't know what you're doing, that's not what i was saying at all") and try to talk to me. i'm supposed to ignore her calls? what about the other four parents who called me in the last two days? for everything from homework help to "my son didn't come home yet, do you know where he is?"

a tenured teachers said, 'ignore [the administration], just keep your mouth shut and do what you know is right.' my partner says, 'do whatever they tell you, document everything, then it's on them.' whom to heed? by default, it may have to be the former, because i suck at documenting.

bitter and angry. but angry is good. i've been crying for months. it's time for some angry.

while i was walking the dogs this morning i thought.... this is like a rough sport. it's like being a professional rugby player. no, it's like being in the marines. the teachers who last - they're the ones who are tough enough. it's not about empathy, compassion, blah blah blah, it is about endurance. and everyone knows, endurance is a state of mind. well, i can do that. i am not weak. time to prove it.