deer in the headlights

Forget the 'triage mentality.' I don't feel anywhere near as efficient and driven as I did when I wrote that post. I suppose this is good in that it keeps me from tossing children ruthlessly aside... but it's bad in that I feel sort of inert.

I've been sick the last two days and completely lacking not only in drive and determination, as well as devoid of any sense of humor, flexibility or patience. (It's like a little preview of mid-October - I know that I run out of those qualities about six weeks after school starts...don't know what I'll do then...)

There has been a lot of yelling. Today I drove a student home after detention, and commented, "I hate being sick... it makes me really grumpy." "Tell me about it," she said; my response: "Oh, you noticed, did you?" We both laughed.

I was so miserable I went to bed early last night and failed to submit my lesson plans for the week. I had a mild reprimand in my inbox this morning. Also this morning, the administration began classroom visits. They are very particular about what you have to have up in your classroom and what you have to be doing when they visit, and my two colleagues both got reprimanded. I'm sure my turn is coming because I had the same issues they did and worse. So the whining and resentment begin... and the feeling of being a deer in the headlights...

They are doing their job and it's good that they are, because otherwise I notice a distinct tendency on the part of both me and my students to spend longer and longer wandering the halls. But still... it's one more thing... and it does feel difficult to keep up with everything.

I feel quite discouraged tonight but all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

In other news, there is one teacher in another grade who has been very supportive of me—even put a nice card in my mailbox on one of the first days when I was crying after school (I don't know which day because it took me nearly a week to find my mailbox!). She has urged me to work on my 'mean face.' (I told the janitor (one of my biggest supporters!) what she said and he said, 'Don't do that. You're not mean, you're nice. Figure out how to discipline them your own way!' Heh.) Anyway, today I watched her lead her very well behaved class down the hall... I said to my students, "why can those [---] graders behave so much better than you all?" and they all started telling me that that teacher pinches her students and hits them with a ruler!

A lot of her comments about "you just do what you have to do, close your door and keep your mouth shut" flashed into my brain. So did some rumors about a pinching teacher, and the janitor's words... "Being around this school a long time, you learn things about the different teachers..." and his face when he said that, right before he told me not to try to be meaner than I am.

To someone far removed from my situation it might seem like a no-brainer that I should "do something" about this information. To me it is a no-brianer that I should leave it alone, although it makes me sad.

It is also discouraging. Is that what it takes to get students to line up quietly and behave? I think of Ron Clark again... damn him... he shows that it can be done... on a good day it's an inspiration... on a bad day a condemnation.

I also begin to wonder what happens when I send students to the discipline man. (I am not giving his title because it's a bit unusual and could identify the school). I get the impression he just yells at them, makes them cry, and sends them back. What about making a behavior plan? What about a contract with the student and parent? What about all the tried-and-true methodologies that I don't have time for? *sigh*

I can see all their little individual faces, personalities, what they need and want... I have years and years of experience working with this demographic! I know what to do for them on an individual level! But I feel I can't connect with them because I don't have time...

For example, there's C, who is adopted but before his adoption he was badly abused; he needs gentle reminders and connection with an adult... I don't have time for that... all I have time for is to shout across the classroom, "C---! Quit making weird noises and leave J alone! Do your math! NOW!"

There is M, who is smart, tries to participate, and yet when I turn around he is grabbing things from other students, hitting them... I am beginning to learn that if something is missing or broken, check M's desk. Today I was at my wits' end and sent M to discipline man, then called his mother. M collapsed on the floor sobbing. I was so taken aback I didn't make any sense on the phone to his mother and she started to go after me! I tried to keep in mind the other students who had been taking me aside quietly to say that M was tormenting them, but M just seemed so little, crying there, little skinny arms, hands too big for his little frame, just a little little boy—I was completely thrown off my stride.

Meanwhile the noise level in the afternoon remains high; I seem to have trained them to tune out my talking and even my shouting.

It all seems like an impossible mire into which I and my students are sinking. We feel ourselves going down and none of us seems to know how to stop it... it reminds me of the first couple days when I couldn't get them to line up quietly to go home... 90% of the noise would be all of them screaming at each other to shut up.

I am going to stop this depressing rumination and write my fucking lesson plans.