first week

Wow... it's been a really intense week.

I am teaching fifth grade in a very low-income neighborhood, a tough neighborhood with a bad reputation, in one of the largest cities in the U.S. (moved away from Madison! yay!).

My students are great in many ways: they are bright (both in the sense of being quick and clever, and in the sense of being bright-eyed, spunky, sparkly, energetic, enjoyable) and many of them still want to try to succeed somehow. They are also a handful, to put it mildly. Always talking, out of their seats, and if unsupervised for more than three minutes, they are running around the room and bothering each other (taking things, shoving and pushing, sticking notes on each other's backs, putting glue on each other's chairs...).

Of course, I feel that we have come a long way in these first days—on Tuesday and Wednesday, craziness broke out every time I turned my back—never mind turning my back, I couldn't even turn sideways to write on the board, or lower my eyes from the horizon!

I've been telling them that we will get it together. That we will become known as the best-behaved class in the school instead of the worst-behaved. Their faces look hopeful and earnest. They have not yet given up on themselves.

But as I prep for Monday and try to accommodate all the things that are required of me (get them ready for standardized testing in March, stay on the pacing plans in math and science, test them all and place them in groups for reading...) I realize we don't have any more time to get it together. We have got to start working and we can't wait for behavior to settle down.

They are used to that process beginning like a train leaving the station with only a few of them on board... the rest sort of straggling down the tracks after it in a desultory manner. They don't know that I do not consider that acceptable. They must all be on the train even if some of them are in the caboose.

But I am not sure how to accomplish that. And I know if I don't it will not be many weeks before they disengage and do give up on themselves.

I must not be so dramatic... it doesn't help. Ramping up the panic is not an effective strategy.

But now when I pass a junkie on the street, I think to myself, that is the future for at least some of my students if they do not connect to school—not because of school itself, I don't kid myself that school is of such intrinsic value—but because it's a chance to develop some kind of discipline, focus, concentration, goal-setting. Somewhere in these years they must choose to grow up, to take responsibility, to engage in life. And I'm not at all sure how to help them build that bridge.

There are some things in my favor. I have a great bunch of parents (guardians etc), from what I can tell. I have talked to most of them in the last week and they really want their children to succeed. They are completely behind me. It's great.

And the kids don't hate me. I don't say that because I want to be their friend (and why is it that every time I say to an adult in the school, "I want to convey to them that I support them," or something like that, they say "You are not here to be their friend!" Is it a different philosophy or am I missing something?) Anyway, they haven't turned on me. I know mischievous from mean and they could certainly be mean if they wanted to - they don't take my things, break stuff on purpose, tear things from the walls, etc. Many of them, especially the girls, really want my approval. They look up at me with big eyes and say, "Was I better today?" Heh. Those are the moments I feel optimistic.

There's only one girl, T, who doesn't care at all. I am thinking that she has to go. The principal and assistant principal are constantly threatening the kids with expulsion and I know they have already kicked out six or seven kids—in the first week! I was shocked at first but that is changing.

This is a huge shift in my thinking. A few days ago I was saying "I am going to fight to keep every one of these kids in my class! These are my kids and I'm going to fight for all of them!" When one of my girls was expelled I actually shed a couple tears in front of the students (coulda heard a pin drop then!) and told them I was going to fight for all of them.

But when I started to think about everything I have to do (as described above)... and started to talk to parents who are so eager for their child to succeed... and started to think about the students who raise their hands, ask for help on #3, and I never answer their question because across the room someone is squeezing glue on her neighbor....

When I thought about all this, in spite of myself I shifted into triage mode... something I resisted in the days before school started... but now I'm getting there. I am starting to think, T takes up so much of my time...time that I could give to K, or N, or A, whose bright eyes watch me move around the room putting out fires... wanting my attention and assistance, wanting to succeed.

I don't know... if I were a better teacher, or more experienced, could I help them all? Does Ron Clark really reach all his students? Actually my main question is, does he really get them all to sit down and shut up all day long? Will I ever be able to?

I was in the teacher store and found some form-letter parent notes with checkboxes... your child needs to work on motivation, attitude, homework... I laughed and said to the clerk, "How about, not throwing things? Sitting down? Shutting the hell up?" I couldn't stop laughing.

Well.... stay tooned.