power, control, discipline, struggle (student teaching learning log)

It's kinda cool to look back on these "learning logs" now--I have learned so much since then!


One of my new classes ("Rebels with a cause"--U.S. history) got off to a rocky start. It's a very large class (for [this high school])--19 students--and a little unruly. I was disorganized in the opening days of the class and there is a general state of confusion and frustration. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

These difficulties were initially very disheartening, because I felt that I was doing everything I possibly could and it still wasn't enough. It was very difficult for me to finish two classes on Tuesday 11/4 and start two more classes on Thursday 11/6. Even working hard all weekend (11/8-9), I struggled to be fully prepared. I wanted to do a fun activity on Thursday (11/6), introduce the class (rubrics, evaluation, etc) on Friday (11/7), and start off with our first lesson on Monday.

Instead, I rushed to be ready on Thursday but then at the last minute I just didn't quite make it, so on the first day of class I had to "wing it" and make something up. The students smelled fear and were insolent and rebellious. Friday I was ready and the activity went smoothly. Monday was 10th grade testing and half the students were out, so I just talked. Then Tuesday I had hoped to be ready, but, again, I wasn't ready and things were rough. Wednesday I finished the activity just in time, but not in time to write a solid script of how I would introduce it and make it clear to everyone, so there was a lot of confusion and more rebellion. Two students tried to drop the class. Finally things are settling down a little, but there is still a good bit of dissatisfaction.

I have decided not to change what I'm doing (not fundamentally--I will of course change the mistakes I've been making, primarily by being completely prepared, providing very clear instructions, and encouraging students more). After all, this is a rare opportunity to practice and try out different things. It is an experiment: if I stick to the format, repeating the sequence (group work – discuss – write), and continually re-teaching and refining the skills needed to succeed in each of these areas, will students improve over time? Will they settle in and become comfortable instead of angry, confused, resentful and rebellious? Will they develop a sense of mastery over something that initially was confusing or difficult, and thus gain satisfaction out of the process? Or will I alienate them more and more as the quarter progresses, and end up with a complete mess of some kind? Your input would be much appreciated.

In my second class ("Gender Benders"), it is a completely different story. There are only eight students, all female, and the atmosphere is comfortable and safe. They have been able to talk and share sometimes difficult things with respect and appreciation. I am taking a different tack in that class, trying to teach research skills. With such a small class, many quite motivated, it is infinitely easier to go to the library together etc. We will be producing a book about Transgender issues, for use in the libraries of the other Wisconsin high schools. Seeing if we can get the book into the libraries will be an informative part of the class in itself.

This week I have particularly been struggling with the question of control.

I am finally learning how to control (?) students, in other words, to get them to do what I tell them to do even when they don't want to, to win power struggles, etc.

However, I feel deeply personally conflicted about this because I believe that the school system in general is so destructive of students' initiative and individuality--am I collaborating in this destruction when I "win" these silly power struggles? Why should they do what I tell them instead of what they want to? Is what I'm teaching really going to be so important to them?

At the same time, I get so frustrated with the fact that nobody has taught them so many basic skills. I wonder if their habit of assuming they can do whatever they want, and their lack of mastery of basic skills, are related... Still I'm just not very comfortable...

Hmm, now I'm thinking back to Lisa Delpit's "Other People's Children." She says that white teachers tend to be very uncomfortable with the power they wield in the classroom, and that they tend to try to pretend they don't have it, tend to minimize it to increase their own personal comfort--but this just confuses students and catches them by surprise when the teacher's power ultimately wins.

I guess I can see myself in this--last quarter I had one student who seemed genuinely surprised that he failed my class after he completely failed to do his main project. Obviously I had not given him a clear enough message: I had been more concerned with his feeling comfortable in my class, than I had been with making sure he understood that he would not pass if he did not complete his project. Delpit reminds me that by doing that I am really prioritizing my comfort over his success. "Black Teachers on Teaching" [also] reminds us to push students, to insist on their success, despite the fact that they will fight back every step of the way.

It just feels so... well, I guess maybe this is just white guilt. My African-American cooperating teacher has no problem making it clear to students that they must obey her. She manages to be extremely kind and loving while she does it, but the bottom line is, nobody messes with her. I watch her do these things and they do not actually feel at all disrespectful to the student, and I wonder why this is. When I was at Memorial and teachers would use their power, I often felt very angry and felt that the student had been oppressed somehow. Why don't I feel that here? Is there something different that the teacher is doing?

If I think of students' reactions, it seems that there must be a difference. Students love TJ, but they hated the teacher I'm thinking of at Memorial. Well, that teacher would just send students to the principal. She never talked to them personally--she just got rid of them. She even seemed afraid of them. They could really shake her up. Her exercise of power was more like hitting back in self-defense. TJ is so clearly operating out of a desire to benefit the students. They feel it too.

It was so striking this week in an incident with "Janie." When Janie acted up during class, TJ gave her a stern look and said "see me after class." After class, the student started to leave the room, muttering to her friends & clearly not forgetting that she was expected to stay. TJ said sternly (and quietly, but somehow everyone heard her), "Janie! Go through that door and you'll be marked absent."

It would have been a brave soul who could have continued on through that door, and Janie stopped, looking so miserable and hopeless. TJ went over to her and, speaking very softly, the first thing she said was, "Janie, I am not angry with you." The student looked confused and relieved. TJ repeated, "I am not angry with you. But this is a very big class, and I need everyone's cooperation to make this a successful class." She said a few more words along those lines and Janie went on her way. There is something about that reprieve when you expect anger that has an amazing effect. TJ did it to me once when I was late. It was such a relief that I almost cried.

Lots more food for thought here....